Omg thank God you picked up the phone huntie. I just HAD to get this off my chest. You will not believe this shit. So there I was gurl, sitting in my Prius at the Greenbelt station, holding my reusable Starbucks cup with the rest of my morning tea… you know that boojey kind with the Bergamot flavor you can only get from like PERSIAN Persians?  And then this bitch next to me, flips her cigarette butt onto the hood of my god 👏 Damn 👏 Pri- 👏 -us! 👏

…I KNOW RIGHT?!?  Now you know that I am NOT the mother fucking one, and any other time I would let a bitch know that she had the wrong mother fucking one.  But gurl, with this daylight savings time and shit, the caffeine and preworkout hadn’t hit yet…

… Bitch, do not judge me! You know daylight savings time fucked a bitch up last night, so yes, I took some C4 before work. That’s not the point! So anyway, I just froze there. Staring at that goddamn cigarette butt for God knows how long.  And something about the lighting and the color and these ganky contacts I should have replaced like two months ago… I dunno, but the yellow color of that fucking cigarette butt on the hood of my car just made me so mad, it took me back gurl.  The next thing I know I just couldn’t stop thinking about my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag…

Don’t even play like you didn’t get down with NKOTB! Bitch, that’s not even the point.  I just remember myself wrapped up in my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag, crying, pissed as hell that my parents didn’t get me that Easy Bake Oven that I wrote like 7 letters to Santa to get. Seven letters!!  That was like half of my entire Lisa Frank notebook!  And you know what I got instead?! A fucking bee-bee gun.

…I KNOW RIGHT?! And something about trashy cigarette butt… I don’t know, I just remember being so upset knowing that I had to go to school, and all of the girls at lunch were going to talk about their Easy Bake Oven.  And I was not about the let them know that I didn’t get one…  

…BECAUSE I was the type of person who owned an Easy Bake Oven, Alex!!! And I was NOT the type of person who owned a Bee-bee gun!  But that’s not even what I’m trying to say, the point was that the year before I had the same crisis with that sleeping bag! My parents broke down and told me that Santa wasn’t real because I thought he hated me because boys weren’t supposed to sleep inside of NKOTB, and I was so devastated that they got one for me, and I slept in that flimsy-ass polyester glorified bed sheet for like two years.  But what I’m saying is I didn’t realize until right then and there in my Prius this morning, staring at that fucking cigarette butt, that I didn’t really even like that damn thing.  I haven’t thought about that trash for twenty years… just threw it in the corner of my parents’ basement to rot like that bitch and her cigarette butt. And that’s when I lost it… just broke down, and had to show up to work a hot 👏 fucking 👏 mess.  

Ugh… enough about me! What is up with you, cuz?!

…Oh, hey! Gotta go, gurl.  I just got a notification for a Scrotox Groupon! Let’s get ganky Indian take-out and catch up soon tho!